Grow up with the kids

Kids grow up. It's inevitable. When they do, it is important that we should also grow up with the kids.

Easier said than done.

Since assuming the dual role of mother and father to my three kids, I've never been so conscious of being in control. I've always been a control freak, but unlike before where there was someone who was neutralizing me, I have to weigh everything by myself now.

I always wanted to spend time with the kids… and I was expecting the same from them. 

I wanted a solid family - intact, close-knitted, and always there for one another. I wanted to always see them together. 

There was no problem when they were still young where they cannot really go anywhere without me. But as they grew older, they learned to explore on their own… AND they needed to explore on their own.

The anxiety I felt on letting go of my son on his first field when he was still a tiny tot is nothing compared to the anxiety and frustrations I felt when he cannot be there when I wanted him to be. He has his own world now, and while he still goes out with us every now and then, he already has his priorities now.

I know I can't take that away from him.

But while I was extending him his freedom, albeit against my will, I never wanted to do anything if I don't have my three kids complete. And in a way, I was denying my other kids because I don't want my eldest to be 'left out' of the fun.

Little by little, however, I am beginning to accept the fact and trying to adjust with having just two kids for the family activities. Especially now that he is away from us for his review class. If it's any consolation, my eldest do exert effort to join us whenever he can.

Soon, I know the two younger ones will go the same way too… leaving me by my lonesome.

Growth is inevitable… I just hope that foundations of values embedded in them are strong enough to guide them.

I pray.